Remembering

Writing Out of Due Time has definitely taught me to face and take control of old emotions.  It has also made me remember a time when others were in control of those emotions. 

Out of Due Time focuses on a time period when I was pregnant with Taliesin, my ten-year old son.  Because I became pregnant prior to being married, I faced so many accusations and misunderstanding from a family seeped in right vs. wrong.  I did not tell anyone in my family about my pregnancy for several months, because I knew what the reaction would be.  There is one memory from these early months that I cannot forget.  I had been sick.  I was waiting for Kelsey to get off from work at the restaurant that we both worked at at the time.  A family member came in and saw me.  Seeing I was sick, of course, he told me to go to the doctor.  When I indicated I did not want to right then, I remember him telling me there are only a couple of reasons I would not want to; and "neither of them are very good reasons."  There were constant arguments between me and my family.  When I finally got the courage to tell the pastor of the church I was going to at the time, I had everything that was meaningful to me taken away.  I often say that the only ones who were there for me during those months were God and Kelsey.  I felt totally lost.  I didn't know what to do.  I prayed.   A  lot. 

I still believe the reason I developed preeclampsia was all of the stress I was facing.  But this preeclampsia is what eventually stopped the accusations, the fighting, the overpowering anxiety.  I could not be stressed.  My blood pressure had been so high, I had been hospitalized for a week.  When I was able to go home, I needed relaxation.  My body had shown it could not handle the pressure. 

I also believe, however, that this break from my past - a break caused by accusations and stress - made me stronger.  Much like what would happen several years later, this breaking helped me see who God wanted me be, as a parent and as His servant.  It was truly a first step in breaking the control others had over me.

This time era in my life caused me to face my own insecurities and showed me how I could have handled situations differently.  Healing would not come for several years later.  

Out of Due Time

I believe I was supposed to write Out of Due Time to show my own imperfections and, more importantly, God's grace in spite (or perhaps because) of them. God told me as I began writing it that I need to be honest with myself and others - to put it all on the line, so to speak - so that the ministry He has called me to can be open and honest, with no hindrances, no "skeletons in the closet" to be discovered later. It was both one of the most difficult and most healing projects I have ever written. There are so many emotions running through it. But at some point, we all have to stop hiding. Now that it is put in words, I believe I can continue to focus on other avenues of ministry as well.

It has been quite a while (too long) since I have posted on this blog, or any of my blogs for that matter. 

I do, however, want to post about a project I am very excited about.  It is my book Out of Due Time.  I began this project a little over two years ago.  It has changed and evolved into a project that recounts my experiences with God's restoration process.  Right now, this book is in the editing stage.  I cannot wait to prayerfully submit it for publication and see where God takes it. 

Kandy