Remembering

Writing Out of Due Time has definitely taught me to face and take control of old emotions.  It has also made me remember a time when others were in control of those emotions. 

Out of Due Time focuses on a time period when I was pregnant with Taliesin, my ten-year old son.  Because I became pregnant prior to being married, I faced so many accusations and misunderstanding from a family seeped in right vs. wrong.  I did not tell anyone in my family about my pregnancy for several months, because I knew what the reaction would be.  There is one memory from these early months that I cannot forget.  I had been sick.  I was waiting for Kelsey to get off from work at the restaurant that we both worked at at the time.  A family member came in and saw me.  Seeing I was sick, of course, he told me to go to the doctor.  When I indicated I did not want to right then, I remember him telling me there are only a couple of reasons I would not want to; and "neither of them are very good reasons."  There were constant arguments between me and my family.  When I finally got the courage to tell the pastor of the church I was going to at the time, I had everything that was meaningful to me taken away.  I often say that the only ones who were there for me during those months were God and Kelsey.  I felt totally lost.  I didn't know what to do.  I prayed.   A  lot. 

I still believe the reason I developed preeclampsia was all of the stress I was facing.  But this preeclampsia is what eventually stopped the accusations, the fighting, the overpowering anxiety.  I could not be stressed.  My blood pressure had been so high, I had been hospitalized for a week.  When I was able to go home, I needed relaxation.  My body had shown it could not handle the pressure. 

I also believe, however, that this break from my past - a break caused by accusations and stress - made me stronger.  Much like what would happen several years later, this breaking helped me see who God wanted me be, as a parent and as His servant.  It was truly a first step in breaking the control others had over me.

This time era in my life caused me to face my own insecurities and showed me how I could have handled situations differently.  Healing would not come for several years later.