Writing Out of Due Time has definitely taught me to face and take control of old emotions. It has also made me remember a time when others were in control of those emotions.
Out of Due Time focuses on a time period when I was pregnant with Taliesin, my ten-year old son. Because I became pregnant prior to being married, I faced so many accusations and misunderstanding from a family seeped in right vs. wrong. I did not tell anyone in my family about my pregnancy for several months, because I knew what the reaction would be. There is one memory from these early months that I cannot forget. I had been sick. I was waiting for Kelsey to get off from work at the restaurant that we both worked at at the time. A family member came in and saw me. Seeing I was sick, of course, he told me to go to the doctor. When I indicated I did not want to right then, I remember him telling me there are only a couple of reasons I would not want to; and "neither of them are very good reasons." There were constant arguments between me and my family. When I finally got the courage to tell the pastor of the church I was going to at the time, I had everything that was meaningful to me taken away. I often say that the only ones who were there for me during those months were God and Kelsey. I felt totally lost. I didn't know what to do. I prayed. A lot.
I still believe the reason I developed preeclampsia was all of the stress I was facing. But this preeclampsia is what eventually stopped the accusations, the fighting, the overpowering anxiety. I could not be stressed. My blood pressure had been so high, I had been hospitalized for a week. When I was able to go home, I needed relaxation. My body had shown it could not handle the pressure.
I also believe, however, that this break from my past - a break caused by accusations and stress - made me stronger. Much like what would happen several years later, this breaking helped me see who God wanted me be, as a parent and as His servant. It was truly a first step in breaking the control others had over me.
This time era in my life caused me to face my own insecurities and showed me how I could have handled situations differently. Healing would not come for several years later.